I learn because I want to live

People learn for many kind of reason. Most of them, I think, learn so that they can live a more comfortable life; that is they learn to gain a specific knowledge that can be used through various means to generate money. However, for some, including me, learning is so much more than a mean for survival; for us, learning is a priority in life. Here in this writing I want to reflect this feeling of mine toward learning.

Learning for knowledge

It’s just obvious that the purpose of me learning is to gain knowledge. But what kind of knowledge that I truly want? Philosophers have argued that there are at least two kind of knowledge: propositional knowledge and procedural knowledge. As the name implies, the former is knowledge about the state of the world, whereas the latter is knowledge about how to do something. I myself more inclined to desire propositional knowledge. If I’m feeling interested in learning about some procedural knowledge, say learning about coding for data analysis, it’s usually because in my belief by doing so i get certain advantage in learning for propositional knowledge. Thus, the purpose of my learning is to gain as much as possible the knowledge about the state of the world.

If I’m indeed that in love with having knowledge about the state of the world, what might be the reason then? It seems to me that if the answer is merely a statement of “I just want to know”, that is an appeals to curiosity alone, I’m afraid that I won’t feel satisfied. Surely, there must be a reason for that curiosity.

I learn, therefore I live

In order to dig a little bit deeper as an attempt to answer that question, maybe a quick tour on my memories on learning might be helpful. As a kid, I was always been drawn toward knowledge. I often looked for books to be read, and due to me being poor they were scarce back then, thus most of what I read was poor-grade science. It is by no means that I’m smart or gifted. Quite the other way around actually. I’m pretty much mediocre in academic achievement. But, having strong desire for knowldge doesn’t require you to be genius apparently.

So then in adolesence, high school in particular, a tragedy that shall not be described here struck me really hard ¹. My world view was shattered completely. All of my beliefs were destroyed and nothing remains, except one thing: that I want to live because simply I want to learn. So here, I have an historical evidence, and I remember it vividly, that suggest learning since then has been my primary purpose of existence. Or if you’re somewhat a cynical person, you can read it as an excuse of me to live more where there was no point anymore.

And then, I barely lived, quite heavily burdened by past trauma, clinging on learning as a purpose of life. However, i’ve never question why do I put learning as my reason to live. I just felt it. And as the time goes, I’ve grown mature enough and try to ponder on this question more often, though mostly without any progress whatsoever. Some slight indication of insight to my own feeling came when I hiked Prau Mountain, one year ago. There, in the night below dozen of stars that dwarve my existence, I pondered and felt the insignificance of my being. I felt the indifference of nature toward, well…, anything. There, I stared and let my mind wandered for itself, until suddenly I realized something: the separation between nature and myself is false; i am also part of the nature itself. Then, I concluded that if i’m part of the nature and I live in order to understand her, doesn’t that means she created me, or us all human, in order to understand herself? That question somehow made a weird spiritual connection between me and her.

It’s backward: i learn because i want to live

Back onto the question then, why do I want knowledge so bad? if the answer is some metaphysical claims about the connection between human and nature, like my experience in the mountain earlier, I’m not feeling so sure. Any answer that involve evolution, that this trait of wanting knowledge is simply the product of evolution, though maybe enough for some people, is lacking explanatory power for me. Because yes though the trait is definitely a product of evolution and knowing sufficient truth about the world is beneficial for our survival, it still does not explain why do I, or other people, strive for Maximal Knowledge/Truth.

Maybe in actuality, the conclusion in my high school trauma experience earlier is backward. It is not that I want to live because I want to learn; but rather that I want to learn because I want to live. I say yes to living not for anything else, but simply for its own sake. Maybe it’s survival instinct disguised as intuition, but in any case I safeguarded it using learning. And since to live means to observe, to experience, and to feel; by learning then, i can observe, experience, and feel ever more deeply toward nature or anything else there is. Thus, by learning i can live more.